oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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