Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
