Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
