Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
