He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
