So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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