so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
