so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
