seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
