i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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