My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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