Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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