First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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