So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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