Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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