my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
