Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
