goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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