someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
