apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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