I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?
I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her
Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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