in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
