life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
