You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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