My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
