Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize