I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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