your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
