Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
