don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
