well I can't set my house on fire every night
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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