It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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