Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize