I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
