There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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