If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
