i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently you make a good broom.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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