tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
