my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
