i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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