i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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