I think I won the penis lottery.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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