mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
