If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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