apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
