So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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