You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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