Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
