I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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