Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
