a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
