he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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