my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
It's just like the Real World with babies
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
