dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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