Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
