just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
