He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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