i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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