you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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