How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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