Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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