I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
