She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
