I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
