dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
