someone get that fucking seahorse.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I need to calm my uterus...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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