Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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